Blog 004 // Addressing the Elephant in the Room

One of my favorite moments as a facilitator was also one of the most uncomfortable.

I was reminded of this moment in my conversation with Joanna Miller when she said that a skilled facilitator will recognize uncomfortable things that may be bubbling under the surface in a group setting and ask themselves:

“What can I shift, invite, change, or speak to that will first just acknowledge that this is occurring?" - Joanna Miller

The day Donal Trump was elected as President in November 2016 was also the first day of a 3-day conference I was hosting for 150 CEOs. When I woke up that morning and read the headlines, I almost fell to pieces. Personally, I was devastated that Trump had won. The first order of business was to manage my own emotional response, which I credit fully to a robust set of morning rituals.

Facilitator Tip: Make sure you take care of your own emotional needs before tending to a group

After I’d properly compartmentalized my own experience, it occurred to me that I was now responsible for setting the tone for a group of opinionated CEOs with diverse political perspectives. Our nation had just been rocked by a shocking plot twist that gutted some people and elated others, a dynamic that would surely be felt at this conference. How was I supposed to kick this off?

As I stood before the audience, I sensed a tension so thick it was like you could cut through the air with a knife; I decided to start by softening it with a warm welcome. I summoned up as much genuine warmth and affection as I could muster, looking out at their faces and imagining that some of them were hurting as much as I was. I also allowed myself to accept that others were celebrating, because I knew it was the truth. Then I took a few deep breaths, opened my mouth, and spoke.

I used my words to greet them with the warmth I’d just generated inside myself. In the next breath, I addressed the elephant in the room: this was a big day. A day of celebration for some and sadness for others. “Each of us is sitting here with our own personal thoughts and feelings about the changes that are happening right now in this country,” I said. “We are all affected by these changes. Whatever you are feeling is valid. And no matter what each of us is experiencing today in the wake of this election, we are all here to unite as a community for a shared purpose, which is this conference. And I’d like to kick off this conference by inviting everyone here to play an active role in creating an environment of mutual respect, to be kind to everyone here, no matter how you voted.”

I paused, then asked them to look around the room at the faces of the other participants. “Before we begin, can I ask everyone to raise your hand if you agree to create an environment of mutual respect?” Slowly and cautiously, everyone raised their hands. “Thank you,” I said, meaning it. That was the only airtime about the election. And we proceeded to have a successful conference.

Facilitator Tip: Don’t wait for a pat on the back

No one acknowledged my addressing of the elephant in the room, but I knew it had set the right tone. I knew my facilitation was felt. Years later, a leader I really respect told me he often thinks about that moment, that the way I facilitated left an impression on him. It was a deeply gratifying validation for me as a facilitator. My invisible work had, in fact, been seen and felt.

Not every moment of discomfort will be as obvious as this one. But there’s always something to address. There’s always something floating around in the collective awareness of a group that must be named in order to break through to deeper connection, even if it’s as simple as a thank you to the people who traveled across the country to get there, or naming the distress folks may be feeling due to a situation that’s happening in the world, or even something as pedestrian as the fact that some folks in the room may be extroverted and energized by the group while others who are more introverted may find the experience exhausting.

Facilitator Tip: Take a moment to consider what may be floating in the group that would be beneficial to address

As facilitators, the opportunity to make magic begins by first addressing what’s already there, especially if it’s something unpleasant.