Blog 004 // Addressing the Elephant in the Room

One of my favorite moments as a facilitator was also one of the most uncomfortable.

I was reminded of this moment in my conversation with Joanna Miller when she said that a skilled facilitator will recognize uncomfortable things that may be bubbling under the surface in a group setting and ask themselves:

“What can I shift, invite, change, or speak to that will first just acknowledge that this is occurring?" - Joanna Miller

The day Donal Trump was elected as President in November 2016 was also the first day of a 3-day conference I was hosting for 150 CEOs. When I woke up that morning and read the headlines, I almost fell to pieces. Personally, I was devastated that Trump had won. The first order of business was to manage my own emotional response, which I credit fully to a robust set of morning rituals.

Facilitator Tip: Make sure you take care of your own emotional needs before tending to a group

After I’d properly compartmentalized my own experience, it occurred to me that I was now responsible for setting the tone for a group of opinionated CEOs with diverse political perspectives. Our nation had just been rocked by a shocking plot twist that gutted some people and elated others, a dynamic that would surely be felt at this conference. How was I supposed to kick this off?

As I stood before the audience, I sensed a tension so thick it was like you could cut through the air with a knife; I decided to start by softening it with a warm welcome. I summoned up as much genuine warmth and affection as I could muster, looking out at their faces and imagining that some of them were hurting as much as I was. I also allowed myself to accept that others were celebrating, because I knew it was the truth. Then I took a few deep breaths, opened my mouth, and spoke.

I used my words to greet them with the warmth I’d just generated inside myself. In the next breath, I addressed the elephant in the room: this was a big day. A day of celebration for some and sadness for others. “Each of us is sitting here with our own personal thoughts and feelings about the changes that are happening right now in this country,” I said. “We are all affected by these changes. Whatever you are feeling is valid. And no matter what each of us is experiencing today in the wake of this election, we are all here to unite as a community for a shared purpose, which is this conference. And I’d like to kick off this conference by inviting everyone here to play an active role in creating an environment of mutual respect, to be kind to everyone here, no matter how you voted.”

I paused, then asked them to look around the room at the faces of the other participants. “Before we begin, can I ask everyone to raise your hand if you agree to create an environment of mutual respect?” Slowly and cautiously, everyone raised their hands. “Thank you,” I said, meaning it. That was the only airtime about the election. And we proceeded to have a successful conference.

Facilitator Tip: Don’t wait for a pat on the back

No one acknowledged my addressing of the elephant in the room, but I knew it had set the right tone. I knew my facilitation was felt. Years later, a leader I really respect told me he often thinks about that moment, that the way I facilitated left an impression on him. It was a deeply gratifying validation for me as a facilitator. My invisible work had, in fact, been seen and felt.

Not every moment of discomfort will be as obvious as this one. But there’s always something to address. There’s always something floating around in the collective awareness of a group that must be named in order to break through to deeper connection, even if it’s as simple as a thank you to the people who traveled across the country to get there, or naming the distress folks may be feeling due to a situation that’s happening in the world, or even something as pedestrian as the fact that some folks in the room may be extroverted and energized by the group while others who are more introverted may find the experience exhausting.

Facilitator Tip: Take a moment to consider what may be floating in the group that would be beneficial to address

As facilitators, the opportunity to make magic begins by first addressing what’s already there, especially if it’s something unpleasant.

Blog 003 // Transcending Power Dynamics

In episode 003, Adam Rosendahl shares a powerful story about guiding an international team through an arts-based experience that created a deeper sense of connection across differences and cultures.

He reveals what it feels like as a facilitator when you get to help businesspeople remove their masks, go beyond the everyday, and see the humanity in one another.

“I often feel proud that I can be somebody who can open up the space for [leaders] to connect with each other and hopefully continue that momentum after they leave the room… that level of being witnessed, seen, heard, and celebrated, especially in an environment where it doesn't happen very often.” - Adam Rosendahl

This really resonated with me. As a corporate facilitator, I’ve found a lot of meaning and purpose in the moments where I got to guide a quieting of power dynamics through vulnerable sharing and personal storytelling.

Here’s a personal story about a powerful facilitation experience I once had that resulted in a therapeutic moment for an all-male executive team.

Power dynamics are present in every group situation. This is a universal truth for human beings.

It can be intimidating to be in a position where you’re guiding someone who has seemingly more power than you, like a CEO. We might feel unworthy of their time, or awkward giving them instructions. But it’s important for us as facilitators to be observers of these power dynamics, rather than get swept up into them. Because even the most powerful people are just people.

When guiding groups of “powerful” people, we’ve got to forget about power and focus on humanity.

One tool that’s really helped me do this is to imagine a powerful person as the child they once were. What did they look like? How did they carry themselves? Were they confident and adventurous, with a twinkle in their eye? Were they sullen and serious, carrying a weight of responsibility beyond their years? You don’t need to be accurate. The point is to picture the sweet little human that resides deep within the layers of power they’ve accumulated over the years.

Facilitator Tip: Imagine every leader as the child they once were

Watch yourself fall in love with the innocent human inside any powerful person, no matter how intimidating they may be.

Then watch your own fears disappear as you focus your attention instead on guiding them to connect more deeply with other sweet humans.

Blog 002 // Choosing Play Over Shame

In Episode 002, Jenny Sauer-Klein helps us demystify what I call proactive playfulness - the conscious choice to lead with play in any given moment.

But it can be tough to lead with playfulness in a moment when you’ve stumbled in your facilitation and may be feeling self-conscious. How do we overcome the inevitable sting of shame that arises in those moments and choose instead to work the muscle of proactive playfulness?

Facilitator Tip: Always be prepared to let go of your plan

One time I decided to play soft piano music in the background during a reflection moment when I was facilitating a workshop for 350 employees at a company in Chicago. I hadn’t taken the time to curate the music and ended up hastily selecting this cheesy, sappy elevator music. I knew it was bad, but I brushed it under the rug. I had other things to think about. Thank God, someone spoke up. “Are we at a funeral? This music is kind of a downer. Can we change up the mood, please?”

I felt an unwelcome flash of shame: I had done something bad! Wrong! Distasteful! Out of touch! I had made a misstep and all eyes were on me to see how I would respond.

Facilitator Tip: It’s not about you

It can be tough to not take things personally in the heat of the moment. No one wants to look like a fool. We all want to defend our own honor. But the thing about facilitation is, it’s not about you. It’s about the good of the group. It’s about the people you’re guiding. Always. So in misstep moments, we’ve gotta get over ourselves. Fast.

The more reps I get as a facilitator, the speedier I become at getting over myself in the moment. In that moment, I chose to play. I imagined that little jolt of shame flashing through my body like a baby bolt of lightning and disappearing into the ground. I laughed, genuinely amused, and said, “Oh my god, you’re right! How many of you out there have been suffering in silence?” A handful of people looked around and sheepishly raised their hands. “I’m so glad you said something. Let me put you all out of your misery.”

Everyone laughed with me and the tension that had started building released like a steam valve. As I changed the music, someone shouted, “Can we get some Rocky theme music in here?” More laughter. I raised one eyebrow. “This is not a funeral but it’s not a boxing match either!” More laughs. Now the elephant in the room had become a shared moment of playfulness.

I encouraged people to return their attention to the exercise at hand. Later, at the end of the workshop, I cranked up the volume on the Rocky theme song and we cheesily pumped our fists in the air as everyone left the building.

Facilitator Tip: Every moment of self-consciousness is an opportunity to choose play

It’s easy to beat yourself up when things go sideways. It’s easy to focus on yourself.

But that’s energy that could be spent in service to your group.

The less I make it about my own comfort, the more confident I become as a facilitator.

What is possible for our own growth and for the good of the group if we pay attention to our moments of shame and practice choosing play instead?

Blog 001 // We Are All Facilitators

Facilitators are people who create connection, guide others, and help make tough things easier. So let’s lead with the punchline:

We are all facilitators.

Some of us may claim this word as our professional title, but the title belongs to us all.

If you’re someone who orchestrates projects, leads groups, brings people together, or serves others in any way as you carry out your personal and professional life, I say you are a facilitator. I say this podcast is for you.

I became a facilitator because I love creating environments where people are encouraged to feel a deeper sense of connection to themselves, others, and the world around them. The more I facilitate, the more I see the core of my work reflected through the work of others.

The team of caretakers who feed and clothe my grandmother, the cashier at the grocery store, the activist with the megaphone, the teacher at the front of the classroom, the manager working behind the scenes - they are all conducting invisible symphonies. They are all facilitating.

We are all facilitating.

What are you facilitating? What do you want to be facilitating?

Each episode of Facilitator Forum is an opportunity to quietly ask yourself this question as you listen to and learn from the stories and experiences of others. Some of the folks we’ll meet on this show will already think of themselves as facilitators, and some may not. I aim to feature a diverse variety of guests across contexts so we can explore a compelling range of perspectives on this topic. I hope you'll be inspired and activated by the conversations we'll be having here.

We all have the power to be of service to others by owning our role as facilitators.