Blog 002 // Choosing Play Over Shame
In Episode 002, Jenny Sauer-Klein helps us demystify what I call proactive playfulness - the conscious choice to lead with play in any given moment.
But it can be tough to lead with playfulness in a moment when you’ve stumbled in your facilitation and may be feeling self-conscious. How do we overcome the inevitable sting of shame that arises in those moments and choose instead to work the muscle of proactive playfulness?
Facilitator Tip: Always be prepared to let go of your plan
One time I decided to play soft piano music in the background during a reflection moment when I was facilitating a workshop for 350 employees at a company in Chicago. I hadn’t taken the time to curate the music and ended up hastily selecting this cheesy, sappy elevator music. I knew it was bad, but I brushed it under the rug. I had other things to think about. Thank God, someone spoke up. “Are we at a funeral? This music is kind of a downer. Can we change up the mood, please?”
I felt an unwelcome flash of shame: I had done something bad! Wrong! Distasteful! Out of touch! I had made a misstep and all eyes were on me to see how I would respond.
Facilitator Tip: It’s not about you
It can be tough to not take things personally in the heat of the moment. No one wants to look like a fool. We all want to defend our own honor. But the thing about facilitation is, it’s not about you. It’s about the good of the group. It’s about the people you’re guiding. Always. So in misstep moments, we’ve gotta get over ourselves. Fast.
The more reps I get as a facilitator, the speedier I become at getting over myself in the moment. In that moment, I chose to play. I imagined that little jolt of shame flashing through my body like a baby bolt of lightning and disappearing into the ground. I laughed, genuinely amused, and said, “Oh my god, you’re right! How many of you out there have been suffering in silence?” A handful of people looked around and sheepishly raised their hands. “I’m so glad you said something. Let me put you all out of your misery.”
Everyone laughed with me and the tension that had started building released like a steam valve. As I changed the music, someone shouted, “Can we get some Rocky theme music in here?” More laughter. I raised one eyebrow. “This is not a funeral but it’s not a boxing match either!” More laughs. Now the elephant in the room had become a shared moment of playfulness.
I encouraged people to return their attention to the exercise at hand. Later, at the end of the workshop, I cranked up the volume on the Rocky theme song and we cheesily pumped our fists in the air as everyone left the building.
Facilitator Tip: Every moment of self-consciousness is an opportunity to choose play
It’s easy to beat yourself up when things go sideways. It’s easy to focus on yourself.
But that’s energy that could be spent in service to your group.
The less I make it about my own comfort, the more confident I become as a facilitator.
What is possible for our own growth and for the good of the group if we pay attention to our moments of shame and practice choosing play instead?